Gingerale

I just took a swig of the gingerale I (rarely) have in the fridge. It says, "Made with real ginger" and "made with 100% real flavours, including real ginger". So I look at the ingredients. As follows...

Carbonated water, sugar/glucose-fructose, citric acid, natural flavour, sodium benzdate, colour.

....Where's the ginger? In the "natural flavours"? Why don't they, then, say.. I don't know.. GINGER.

*sigh*

Mondays

It could have been a mix of it being a Monday after having the weekend off. It could have been a mix of a moon mid-cycle. It could have been a mix of being tired from getting up 50,000 times last night. Whatever it was, made today challenging.

I haven't been this clumsy, in, I don't know how long. I dropped milk on the floor *splat*. I bumped into things, into people. This clumsiness has been building for a while, so I can't say it's just today, but it didn't help any. And I was busy later in the day. That didn't help, either.

That's all. My griping is done.

Time Flies, Things Change

I woke up early this morning because my body said it's had its 8 hours of sleep and wasn't having anymore (you understand this means I was up at 0800, which is rare for me). I putter around, I come online and I see that my cousin has had a baby. My cousin. A baby. What... just happened?? I literally froze, I was so much in shock. Then anger. Why didn't he tell me when we spoke on the phone a couple months ago? Where is all of this coming from?!?!?

*sigh* Let me give you a quick background where this shock/anger is coming from. S. and I grew up together as kids out in the country. We were very close. We even hung out a lot into our teens, 20's. Then time and distance grew us apart. We'd talk on the phone a bit here and there; we'd often counsel each other. But he stayed in our home town, I didn't (and I very rarely traveled there). I've always missed my cousin; we were great friends growing up.

So to hear he's had something major and wonderful happen in his life, something I know he's always wanted, I'm saddened that I wasn't there to share it with him. It's like I'm 15 again and taking it personally that he hasn't told me. But we're not 15, we haven't been speaking, and he's owed me nothing. So, I 'manned up' and wrote him a congrats and said how adorable his son is (he really is... you just wanna squish him), and every letter I typed hurt. But, I have to wish him the best, walk away and deal with my sadness on my own.

I'll call him sometime when my shock/anger subsides (so I can say, "How have you been??" instead of, "What the hell??". A little kinder, wouldn't you say?). It seems in not going home and avoiding my parents, I've avoided everyone else as well.

Website

For my fellow photography-enthusiast friends (is that proper grammar?), I present you with a website I came across tonight; Out Of Bounds Photos. These really threw me for a loop. They're fantastic. Talk about taking your photography to the next level...

The Word of the Day..

Today's word of the day is.... chaste.

That is all.

Health and Venting

I'll get the easiest thing off my mind first.

I'm looking at alternatives for breakfast. Instead of the usual cereal, I mean. I'll have to look for the same carbohydrate count, if not slightly more (and include more protein). I usually just have milk, cereal (Special K) with a banana cut into it. I'd like to incorporate more variety, but I've always feared I won't feel as full. Really, cereal doesn't do much either, but for the sake of argument. Anyways, if you have any suggestions, it's appreciated.

Next..

I found out from a co-worker that if we develop the flu, we're forced 7 days off. SEVEN DAYS. Who the hell can afford 7 days? Some of us can't even save for that. I don't know that there's a clause signed for such events but I know they want you to get your flu shot. This is a hell of a way of making you get it. But even if one gets the flu shot, and one gets the flu, is one protected from the 7 days off? Are they still mandated to 'police' you? Even after the 7 days they still have to 'clear' you, and that may take longer than the original 7. I stay away from vaccine's like the plague. I don't believe in them. It's bad enough they practically forced me to get some a couple years back when I started (my second MMR, tetanus and hepatitis, I believe). Ugh! I'm just.. livid!

*sigh*

A.W.O.L...and Babble

The plague of death has kept me from posting anything as of late. Okay, it hasn't been *that* bad, but it has taken me out for a couple days (which means missing a day of work..sigh). I really should be napping right now, but I'm too fidgety. I'm keeping my energy level to a minimum, though. It tires me out to do much anyways, right now.

I'm going to back up my co-worker about what she said about if an unfamiliar ingredient is in what she's consuming, she probably doesn't want it anyways. It's not an ignorant comment. It's coming from a mentality of having a whole foods/raw foods diet. When you go to the store, is there an ingredient list for broccoli? No.

House had a good premiere on the other night. I thoroughly enjoyed that.

I'm a little upset Dancing With the Stars is on on Tuesdays, now. It interferes with Hell's Kitchen. I forgot all about The F Word. Damn. Well, Hell's Kitchen is almost over (or is it completely over? I missed the last half of last night's show). I don't watch a lot of TV but I do have my favourites.

Studies are going well. I've gone from consistencies of diets (dysphagia, pureed, soft, DAT's, etc) and now I'm on allergies/intolerances (discussing the differences of each, reactions, etc). People usually have intolerances, not allergies (when they think they do) and allergies are an immune reaction, where intolerances are a non-immune reaction. There's your lesson for today :)

Well, not much else to say today. I had a shower which was refreshing and let up some of the congestion. But I hate being alone and sick. I'd like, for one day, someone to take care of me. Ah well, that's a thought best saved for offline.

Hope y'all are having a good week.

More Carrageenan...

Well, this has started a whirlwind, hasn't it?

I did more research; carrageenan is based in Neilson's *chocolate* milk products only. I've tried linking to ingredients of white and chocolate milk, but they have the same website. So, go to Neilson's Dairy website - Products -> Milk (you'll get a listing for all 4 types). Then, on the right-hand side, you can select chocolate milk to see that ingredient list. Yeah. A bit of a difference.

I perused the site some more and found it's in items such as sour cream, but not in (most) yogurts. I found the lower the fat content in yogurt, the more presence of carrageenan. Interesting.

Blue Diamond Almond Milk has a much higher nutritional content than 'regular' milk, but like I said, unfortunately has our friend (as mentioned, 7th ingredient).

For the fun of it, I took a look at another favourite dairy brand, Organic Meadow. Their chocolate milk also has it in it, but no other dairy products do. So there's something about chocolate milk that requires this thickening agent (aside from other products, we agree, but this all started with chocolate milk, so..). As a bonus, their sour cream doesn't contain it, nor their yogurt, though sadly their ice cream does (but it's the very last ingredient).

So, if we're deciding what we're putting into our bodies when it comes to dairy and dairy ingredients, what wins? Choosing one product over another because it has an ingredient we're trying to avoid? Should we always choose organic? Should we look at other options for calcium and vitamin alternatives?

Carrageenan and Milk

I couldn't pass this up. I don't think I'll ever drink milk, or at least chocolate milk, again.

I was sitting with a co-worker at break tonight, discussing Nutrition (we're both studying it). She has been slowly taking on an... elimination diet, if you will (elimination from processed foods, etc). I'd bought a chocolate milk. She mentions how she doesn't drink milk anymore, but almond milk instead (which I tried tonight, and it's quite tasty, btw). She looks at the ingredients and aside from sugar being the second ingredient, carrageenan was the third. She says, "I don't even know what carrgeenan is, but I'm sure I don't want it if it's in my milk". I'd heard of it before but forgot what it was.

Oh. My. God. Well, thanks to good 'ol Wiki, I looked it up. See the page here. Go ahead, I'll wait until you read it. Take your time. Oh, you might want to read all of it, including the bottom where they say it's used as a personal lubricant.

I can't look at chocolate milk the same anymore. Thoughts? Discussions? I might have to wait a day to even comment, myself. I'm still sort of... in disgust.

What Do *You* Want?

Today's theme, I think, is what we want. Or in a manner, what we think we want.

We don't always know what we want. We think we do. We think we've got life all planned out sometimes. But God (or the Universe, for the non-believers) will come along, throw a wrench in the plans and will force us into a situation repeatedly until we deal with it adequately (read: learned, so it doesn't keep happening).

I thought I knew what I wanted. I don't (with this one thing, not with *everything*..heh..just so we're clear). Today was another example of proving that wrong. I learned, so the situation won't be happening again (if I have anything to do with it). At least, not for a while.

Humans are funny; we're stubborn, we like to control things. We can't just... let go; and that's the one thing we need to do most. Things actually come to us *more* when we let go.

I've always been guided by the phrase, "Let go and let God". Not everyone follows this. I'm even trying to think when I was Athiest or Agnostic, what I believed. Well, even then, I tried to control things; it was as foolish then as it is now. But now I'm rambling....

I hate that I have to be in such a damn rush for things sometimes. Part of me likes waiting, part of me wants things yesterday. I guess this lesson will also be repeated until we learn, give in and let go.

Random Facts

A piece of random trivia, or random facts, as it were (I couldn't pass it up being an avid fan)...

M*A*S*H was first aired today, in 1972.

:)

Quotes

When you have Enough, you have everything you need. There's nothing extra to weigh you down, distract, or distress you. Enough is a fearless place. An honest and self-observant place... To let go of clutter, then, is not deprivation; it's lightening up and opening up space and time for something new and wonderful to happen ~ Vicki Robin

Dear Body...

Dear Body,

Please stop feeling tired all the time. I'm getting more than enough sleep (10 hours a night is enough for anybody). Maybe I'm oversleeping. In any respect, please start feeling more awake or I'm going to have to request a new body.

Not Happy,

Me

Thoughts on Iron

And here I didn't think I had anything to post about today, until I remembered this.

The last 2 pieces of blood work I had done (March and Aug.), my iron (ferritin) was low. Now, it was still in the 'normal' range, but low in the normal range. But it made me think; the way we react to say, medications, is so personal, what about mineral and vitamin levels? We're not all robots. We can't all perform the same on say, a ferritin level that's 44*. Or can we?

When I asked my GP if she would be okay with me taking an iron supplement she said 'not yet' and 'your iron levels are normal'. Gah. Alright, so we're still going to do more work.

Does anyone have any experience with this? It doesn't have to be with iron levels, but with anything else. Did you take a supplement anyways, even though you may not have needed it? Did it help? Do you think we can all function on the same levels or no? What are your thoughts?

* Normal ferritin levels, per my lab are between 13-145

Quotes

The person who must be a leader, must be a bridge.

~Welsh Proverb

Spread love wherever you go: First of all, in your own house...let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. Kindness.

~ Mother Teresa

Quotes

To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go.

~ Tao Te Ching

And Going and Going....

Saturday, Pt. II....

Met a friend for an appetizingly organic lunch, I came home, relaxed a bit and went out and hit the Jazz Festival. There were a few acts I wanted to check out and I went to what was free (there was a tent downtown with free entry that housed a few performances).

The first act I saw at 2:00 was Michael Occhipinti's, Sicilian Jazz Project. They were *fantastic*. They gave me goosebumps. So I bought their CD. What an amazing mix of sounds, and it was so smooth and harmonious. His music is inspired by 1050's Sicily.

I'd gotten enough fresh air at that point and came home for a bit of a re-charge. Went back out for the next one I wanted to see at 7:30, Jean Derome Evidence Trio (they're from Quebec). They have a heavy Thelonious Monk influence; very nice. I enjoyed them.

Then the last group I saw was Odessa/Havana. Very, very good. I don't know that I'd buy their CD, but they were fantastic to watch and listen to live. I would see them again. Very lively, with a Cuban influence. Salsa, baby!

So I was outside most of today and tonight from 7:30-10:30. I'm freakin dead. I feel like I've been drinking and I haven't had a drop. I'm going to go to bed very soon. It was nice to get out and be amongst people today, in a venue I'm very interested in. I'm even thinking about becoming a member for the Jazz Festival (donating) and/or volunteering next year. Something to think about.

Later Edit: Right, I was too tired last night and forgot about this. Tills locked herself out of her apartment yesterday (hence the comment below). Luckily we're sort of in the same building, so she came to crash here for a bit. She then felt adventurous and climbed out of my kitchen window, onto the roof, down the ladder, across the roof to her window, which took forever to break into, but with the help of some screwdrivers from me, got the screen in. It was crazy.

An Even Better Start...

Can I tell you how nice it was to sleep in? I didn't overly sleep, but enough to curl up for an extra hour...cool breeze coming in, duvet wrapped up around my head. Ahhh....

The wine I was talking about last night is here.. OPEN wines. I see they also have a riesling/gewürztraminer wine; what a *fabulous* marriage of grapes. That one will definitely be on my list!

Well, I have coffee in hand. I'm downloading the latest update to iTunes so I can download some Vinyl Cafe that I missed (my Canadian counterparts SHOULD know what I'm talking about; if you don't, shame on you). I get to see Vinyl Cafe in appearance at the local stage in October. Can't wait. (Unfortunately, Christpher West is doing a seminar on JP II's Theology of the Body in Toronto, which I would have died to see, but I had the Vinyl Cafe commitment first, and I just wouldn't make it back in time). Look at me babbling.

Well, I'm going to take my coffee and sit in the rocker. Today's itinerary has lunch at an organic restaurant with a friend and going to another friend's to help her paint. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Great Start to the Weekend

I sit here with a glass of cab-merlot. It's a new VQA wine. I can smell it just sitting beside me. As I taste it, I notice its very smooth, light. You can taste the merlot, but there's a hint of berry from the cab. I sniff the wine inside the glass.. and it reminds me of something.. but I can't quite put my finger on it. Earthy. But classy. Maybe it would go with a certain sort of special cheese. No, something more complex, so the wine complements it. Okay, you can tell how tired I am, I'm waxing intellectual about wine.

Got a hit from the past today. It is good.

Had a great start to the weekend tonight (that I have off! Woo!). Had a couple of the girls over for a movie. Watched "Men With Brooms". Funniest. Canadian. Shit. Ever. (Aside from Strange Brew, of course.) It's a must-see if you haven't already. And I lurve Paul Gross.

Oooh.. maybe it would go with cheesecake. Mmmm.. cheesecake.

Our town is holding it's jazz festival tomorrow. Looking forward to going downtown to catch a couple of free shows. Anyone wanna come with?

The smell is starting to bother me; it's almost familiar. I feel I should know it, but I still can't put my finger on it. I can standby that it's smooth - it must have been filtered *very* well. Maybe because it's so pure, no water added (see above link) that it's so...definite.

Well, I got more thinking and journalling to do before I pass out tonight. Tell me what your plans are this weekend. Let me know what's going on with you. You can be as vague or detailed as you like. :)

Things and Stuff - Frustrated

I'm not feeling well today and I'm frustrated on several things. I'm PMSing a bit, too, so that also has me a bit down.

Health update: Saw my GP today. She didn't really help me address much. We reviewed the blood work that came back normal (surprise, surprise), I gave her a list of total symptoms and we almost thought Fibro, but she didn't stay with that theory too long. She's referring me to a respirologist as I've been having problems breathing for well over a year now. I told her about the increased pain (and attacks) I've been having post-scopes and she just cites that it's "normal". Okay, but normal for HOW LONG. I am in pain in an almost constant basis (and I'm having attacks 2-5 times a day, vs. one every few days). This has me a little agitated. I would like to not be sick.. for one day.

A few things have me frustrated about some online stuff.

I'm frustrated as I'm trying to work through some spiritual stuff.

I didn't sleep for shit last night.

L. is sure now she's getting organ failure of the kidney. That, or cancer of the kidney. She's waiting for definite results. There's other stuff, but I won't disclose it until we're sure. I don't really feel like complaining about my shit because she's got a lot more going on in one day, than I have in a week. She's really come around, by the way, since our talk the other night. She's in a much more positive frame of mind. More of a fighter, less of a victim.

I need chocolate. Yes, I must have chocolate. I have no chocolate :(

Oh, on a good note, I got my course work for my second course. This is Nutrition in Health Care. Really looking forward to it; it'll help me apply more information now, since it actually has to do with my job (patient diets per disease, etc).

Well, me, my tiredness and my headache from hell are going to go to bed early tonight. Thank God tomorrow's Friday. Can't wait for the weekend.

More Babble

Gripe - Can I not just sit, in quiet, in my rocker by the window, enjoying some peace and quiet? Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask the neighbour downstairs to turn down their damn TV because I can hear it through the windows up to my apartment? Is it too much to make them more considerate of others? Gah, I can't wait for winter (windows closed).

Tough Love - I spent a lot of time with L. online last night. We worked though a lot of things; I should say, I helped her with stuff. She still hadn't come to full realization about her situation (denial) so I helped push her. We all need a little push when we get lost. I think she's in a better place emotionally and mentally now, but it's the day after and I have yet to check in on her.

Bored - This weekend has been full of nothing. I will look forward to work tonight because it's time and a half, but other than that, there has been no social time whatsoever; no one's called. I'm getting a little twitchy. And pissed. Oh well.

Sick - My stomach has not been doing well lately. I'm sick on a nightly basis. I don't think I've recovered from the scopes yet and I don't know how long it's supposed to take. I don't like getting sick at night because it happens at work and interfers with my job (I do a lot of walking around). I'm about getting fed up with it (and the unsual pain) so I'll be calling the G.I Tuesday. (As a side note: I've been eating a lot better since the scopes (remember I pledged?). More fruit. A lot more than what I'm used to (peaches are in season, you know!). I've always had a hard time digesting the fibre from fruit, so I'm wondering if that's what's causing it. BUT, on the other hand, it's kept my blood sugar up and I've been feeling pretty good in those respects. Sigh.. can't win for losin').

Head covering - I forgot to wear my head covering at Mass yesterday. I felt naked. I remembered to put on my rings, though, which I never wear. Go figure.

Well, I'm making it my mission to get outside today, provided I feel okay; this stomach stuff is unpredictable at best so I have to watch myself. Mmmm.. someone's burning Nag Champa incense.

Alright! Out I go! Hope you guys are having a great weekend!

Trying

Well, my emotions have calmed down a bit this week and I'm going to attempt to post today. I don't feel like talking much, but I refuse to stay closed up about things. There's not a lot I'll mention publicly, so if it's vague, I apologize. Though there might be a lot of babbling; I've warned you.

I let my guard down last week and I got punished for it. Punish is a strong word. Maybe karma. No, that's not right, either. Anyways, the situation is, I didn't accept someone's behaviour (the way they were treating me) and I called them on it (which also meant standing up for myself, which I was quite proud to do). I no longer have communication with this person and I'm okay with that (you might find it odd for me to say this statement, but when I was younger, I would do everything to hang onto people. Various reasons. A bit of not knowing if I'd need them in the future, for whatever reason and other reasons. I know this is unhealthy which is why over the years I'm breaking myself of the habit). Weed out the toxic, as it were. I guess I wanna say I was 'punished' for it because I got hurt as a result. I didn't deserve it. I tried trusting. I got burned. Time to move on.

I find I'm also missing someone from my close past. We were always connected and I can feel them, and it's frustrating (frustrating because we're not talking) and all I want to say is 'hi' or 'I miss you'.

I hope this next week picks up. I really should get back into my studies. I want to start reviewing the old stuff, so when the new stuff comes (soon, I hope), then I'll be in the mindset. I also wanted to start volunteering at the retirement home behind me; I really should get on that (did I mention I was the world's best procrastinator?). I also need to get some paperwork together for my lawyer. Gah! Procrastination is... grrr.

And I feel so lazy today. An old friend texted me early this morning. He's 2 hrs behind and I don't know if he remembered the time change. All the same, it was nice to catch up. Then I had someone else text me shortly after. It must have been national Text J. Early day..and I missed the memo. So when that was all done, I stayed in bed and dozed on and off for a couple more hours. Nice breeze coming in the window, comfy bed. Ahhh. I didn't want to get up, but I had to start the day at some point. What would they do without me at work?

I hope everyone has a great long weekend! I don't have anything planned (outside of work - time and a half, baby, yeah!), so hopefully it'll shape into something. I need some social time.

Update on L.

Remember L.? I mentioned her a while back, my young friend who has cancer (see the label/post RAK). Well, I hate to report she's getting worse.

She rushed to the ER the night before last because she was getting violently sick and bringing up blood (sorry, for those of the squeamish). She tore the lining of her esophagus and she possibly has the start of organ failure (kidneys, liver, etc); more tests being done today. The doctors that night told her she shouldn't bother anymore treatments or trials and to prepare for end of life (to which she told them where to go; she's a strong one, that). She isn't succumbing to that thought yet, though, because she's waiting to hear if the last round of chemo helped at all.

This makes me really sad. I don't want my friend to die. I feel helpless not being able to help her, or even spend time with her (being so far away). I'm trying to think of what I can do for her or maybe there's something I can send her, but I got nuthin'.

So I was wondering if you'd join me in giving a shout out to her. We're thinking of you, L.! Sending positive, healing thoughts your way. May you find strength and comfort knowing you're thought of and loved.

Honesty

It's early in the day, I've not yet had my coffee, but the topic of the day already seems to be... honesty.

Funny word, that. Honesty. Websters states it as..

: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts : sincerity

Funnier, that I didn't receive that behaviour from an individual lately. But then, why should I be surprised? Why should I be surprised at all that I ask for honesty from someone. We're adults; you'd think it'd be...common courtesy.

Sigh.. I'm too pissed off about stuff to write clearly. I'm gonna shut down about personal stuff for a couple days.

Quotes

If you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth.

~ Cold Play

Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose.

~ C.S Lewis

Turning Points, with Age

I'm speaking to a friend right now and she's come to realize a few things about herself. One of those, I-now-feel-a-weight-off-my-shoulders-because-I-see-things-differently-and-now-it-feels-euphoric, instances (I went through that not too long ago, as you recall). This is a girl who was polyamorous, but now only wants one mate because she's come to terms with what she really wants (and has a man with these qualities).

Anyways, it got me thinking about achieving different turning points in our lives; in this instance, we'll say about relationships. Y'know.. suddenly you don't need the guy to have a 'hotrod' to be considered hot or desirable. Or your specifications for said mate (tall, dark and handsome) don't apply as strongly as before. With age comes wisdom; we become more accepting. We come into our own more, we grow and we know what we want, but we know it might not come in that 'perfect' package we dreamt of when we were 20. We know our limitations; what we deserve, what we won't accept.

I'm not dating for the good of my health. I hate it*. I absolutely hate it. But I'm looking for a husband. How can I find said husband if I don't meet people? The hotrod shall be replaced with a Jetta or Mustang (ironically, men with both of these cars that I saw didn't work out, but using for the sake of argument). The tall, dark and handsome will be replaced with anyone so long as he's healthy and takes care of himself. I could make a list that goes on and on, but then it gets personal :)

How has age changed the way you view relationships/mates/spouses? What did you used to see and what do you see now?

*Edit: Let me clarify. I don't hate dating. I mis having the familiar. I love men too much to hate dating :) (and anyone who knows me well enough will know this). I hate what they think they can get away with (and they get away with it because we let them). I hate being treated poorly, without respect. Okay, maybe I should go back to hating dating....

*headdesk*

I would sooner like today to be over with. If I had a hand grenade, I would like to blow up today.. it sucked that bad. Work was busy (you can tell a full moon is coming) and things are just.. stupid.

I still can't get out of my mind that question; "What life decisions have you been putting off?" It's driving me nuts.

While reading Tolle last night, he referenced a biblical quote (though with no passage indication, which was annoying. I'll have to consult my peeps). Anyhoo, it kinda resonated. At this point he's talking about living in the Now. Don't keep your mind in the past, don't keep it in the future, but in the Now. Sort of being mindful, but even moreso, if you can imagine such a state. So he mentions,

"Take no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself".

Ponder that for a while.

As a side note, I'm putting flannel sheets on the bed tonight. You heard me. It's supposed to drop down to 5. Yes, I'm quite sure it'll warm up again, but for now, my other sheets need to be washed and I want to be comfortable :) Mmm.. flannel...